And once again, the holiday clusterf**k is upon us! With Halloween and Thanksgiving behind us, we’re halfway through this ordeal or torture, but unfortunately we still have Christmas and New Year’s ahead of us (or Hanukah, or whatever it is you celebrate – the occasion doesn’t matter, we all know that holidays are just an excuse to get drunk and get presents), and you know what that means! It’s time to hit your head against the nearest wall trying to wonder exactly what you should purchase for the gamer in your life! It could be a child, a sibling, a boyfriend/girlfriend, a niece/nephew, whatever! Let’s face it – many of us are not gamers, or even if we are, we like certain games and aren’t familiar with every single videogame on the planet. So what should we get the gamers we love? Should we just get them a gift card? Short answer – yes, you absolutely should. Go to GAME, or Gamestop, or whatever your local videogame store is and buy them a £40/$60 gift card so that they can afford to buy one of the many, many releases coming out in a few months, such as “Mass Effect: Andromeda”, “South Park: The Fractured But Whole” and “Persona 5”. Or even better – just give them money so that they can buy whatever they want! There, article over. Moving on, it’s the Top 5 Worst Comic Book Characters From The Silver Age!

Nah, I’m kidding. While a lot of people (especially teenagers) would appreciate money, I can also kind of get that this is a pretty uncreative gift, and many prefer to gift an actual item that can hold some sentimental value to the recipient. Well, fear not, that’s where I come in! Let’s briefly take a closer look at what to buy for individual types of gamers based on their age, preferences or gaming hardware! In addition, I’m also going to be giving you an example of what not to buy in the same category, so that ought to be fun! Anyway, let’s get on with the show!

For PlayStation/Xbox Gamers

Do Buy: A PS+/Xbox Live Gold Membership
Don’t Buy: Any game that just seems interesting because it has a fun cover

Both PlayStation and Xbox (across their iterations) offer a subscription system called PlayStation Plus and Xbox Live Gold, respectively. The subscription is not mandatory, but trust me, it’s a really great idea to have it, since it’s required for online play and also gives you free games every single month, alongside a myriad of other bonuses (for example, PS+ gives you discounts in the store and allows you to upload your save files online so that you can retrieve them in case you accidentally delete them). And trust me – another year of subscription is ALWAYS necessary. Personally, my grandparents always give me a £40 gift card for my local videogame store, and I always, without fail, spend it on a yearly PS+ subscription simply because it’s something that I will always need – think of it as putting oil in your car. It’s the most practical gaming gift you can possibly give! It’s honestly much better than what many people who don’t know a lot about games do, which is walk into a store, ask “Do you have any games for PlayStation?”, purchase the first PlayStation 3 game whose cover they like and then it turns out their grandson or whatever has a PlayStation 4 which can’t play PS3 games, and even if it could the game they chose is just complete garbage, and let’s just say there’s a very good reason why I’ve been getting gift cards from my grandparents lately.

For Younglings

Do Buy: Whatever The Retailer Recommends
Don’t Buy: Anything based on movies or that blatantly panders to children

Okay, the world of children’s entertainment is complicated. Most parents just assume that their kids are dumb and are going to watch whatever you put on TV for them as long as it has funny moving pictures (if you don’t believe me, just check out the myriad of horrible, lazy Disney sequels). It’s like we don’t even care what we put in our children’s brains! I mean, can you imagine if we said that about other stuff? “Pfft, let’s just feed our children cheap half-baked stuff from the dollar store, I mean, they’re only kids!” Yeah, my point is, this is dumb and kids deserve better entertainment, in both their movies and their videogames. Just like there’s a whole slew of terrible animated movies that simply rely on parents buying them to shut up a crying toddler, there’s an even bigger slew of terrible games which aim to do… Well, exactly the same thing. “Barbie’s Horse Adventure”, “Hannah Montana” and “My Baby Girl” are but a few of the titles that are done on the cheap, with the hopes that they’ll be bought by ignorant parents. Don’t be ignorant, guys and gals! So, what do you buy instead? Simple – walk into your local videogame store, talk to the clerk and ask them what game they’d recommend for your child. Trust me, videogame store clerks are typically the biggest nerds you can find, and most of them would be overjoyed to recommend your kid a good game! Do they like cute puppies, but aren’t allowed to have one in the house, for whatever reason? Get them “Nintendogs”! Do they like cartoony action? Get them “Rayman: Legends”! Do they play a lot of “Minecraft” and wish there was an animated series based on it? Get them “Minecraft: Story Mode”! Do they like the Avengers? Get them “Lego Avengers”! Do they like to collect toys? Get them the latest “Skylanders” set, which brings their toys to life on the screen! There’s DOZENS of fantastic games to choose from, so please ask for help if you’re uncertain and by all means never, ever purchase a game just because it’s on the shelf!

For Shooter Fans

Do Buy: Overwatch
Don’t Buy: Anything else

I mean, come on, you guys, this one should be obvious. If your gamer is into shooters, or competitive games at all, buy them “Overwatch” on their system of choice. Right now. The only reason why you shouldn’t buy it is if they already own it. “Overwatch” is the most fun you can have with a competitive game these days, and even I, who generally doesn’t like competitive games at all, still find a whole lot to love in it.

For Retro Games Enthusiasts

Do Buy: AVS
Don’t Buy: NES Classic

Right now, everybody’s going bananas over the “NES Classic” – a tiny machine from Nintendo that costs £50 (supposedly) and plays 30 of your favorite classic NES games such as “Excitebike”, also known as the game where you press right to win, or “Ice Climbers”, also known as the game which is only fun for maybe about 3 minutes, or “Simon’s Quest” and “Zelda II”, also known as the absolute worst in their beloved franchises. Fun stuff. And sure, there’s a couple of great games in there, like “Super Mario Bros. 3”, but a whooooooole lot of classics are just not there – and since the Classic doesn’t have the ability to add new games, you’re stick with the underwhelming selection. Not to mention, the bloody thing is sold out everywhere, so if you want to get one you need to cough up a whole lot more than £50, with the US retailer Walmart asking for $500 (or ~£400) per unit! It’s ridiculous! So if you have a friend who’s just way more into nostalgia than is healthy, or have a child that would like to try the classics, I’ll tell you what you do. You don’t buy a crap console for w*nkers for 8 times what it’s worth. Instead, you go out and you buy an AVS, which is exactly like the NES Classic, except good. Rather than coming with pre-built games, you need to buy cartridges for it, but on the plus side, it reads any and all NES carts you can find (including the grey ones popular in the US and parts of the UK AND the smaller, orange ones popular in Europe, Japan and other parts of the UK), and considering how dirt-cheap NES games are these days, you can definitely get your kid an AVS and a couple of really good games he or she will actually enjoy instead of something filled 30 games you can’t change, most of which are garbage.